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Monday, March 01, 2010

I Seriously Need A Break

That's it. I've hit the wall. 8 years and not one night to myself. I seriously need a break!

Years ago, I was watching an episode of ER. In it, a mother was crying over her son (I think - it was a while ago). He had died, and his sister (?) was MIA, perhaps, it was thought, dead also. The mother was saying to one of the doctors (and don't quote me verbatim - this is entirely from memory) something like, "I can't help but think this is my fault. I sometimes imagine my life without my children. How it was before. I missed that life, and now I feel like I've wished my children's lives away. I don't want a life without them. Just one day is all I wanted. I didn't mean forever." Then she finds out her daughter is alive, and off she runs to be with her, obviously with a renewed sense of how lucky she is to be a mother.

This show resonated with me. I do what that mother does. I sometimes wish I could just have one day with no responsibilities. That I could have one day completely to myself without school drop offs and worrying about what to cook for dinner. One day to sleep in. (And I mean, really sleep in. With no background noise of kids screaming, or husbands coming in to wake you because he has to get some stuff done.) One day to go anywhere and do whatever I want to do.

And then I feel guilty for thinking it.

Don't get me wrong. I love, LOVE my life with my kids. Absolutely. 110% for sure. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am doing my dream "job". (And I wrote about sometimes yearning the simpler pre-kids life HERE.) My boys are my life. But after 8 years of no real break, except for 2006 where I had one day to myself for a year, and for the past year where I've had 2 days to myself, and no family here in Sydney to just take my kids even for just half an hour...I'm in desperate need of some time out. Just a couple of days to myself to rejuvenate and find myself again.

Hence, my dear friend, Jen and I are planning a weekend away to Melbourne together soon. A girly weekend. I told her there are three things I want to do whilst we're there:

1. Shop
2. Eat out
3. Have at least one sleep in

Think I'll add a fourth, Jen...go to a museum where I can look at everything without any interruption! Ah, bliss.

That's it. And then I'm sure I'll be back and in the swing of things.

But here's the catch. I know it's silly, but I can't help but think, 'What if something bad happens to one of my kids when I'm away? What if something happens to me?' I can't help it. I don't want to be like that woman in that episode of ER. In fact, I can't be really. I already know I'm lucky. I really do. But is there anything wrong with just wanting some time away from being a mother? Not long. Just a few days?

Aagh. Life is so HARD!

But I know I have to go. I have to do it not only for me, but for my husband and my kids. I know I'll be a better wife/mother for it.



fat mum slim said...

I so know the ramble that goes on in your head. It's in mine too.

There's no just letting it all go... we're so attached to everything now. Attached to the little ones we love, the responsibility, the guilty, the morbid worry, the constant soundtrack in our heads.

I just wanted to let you know... I know. xx

Have a wonderful weekend. Guess what else you can add to the list? Going to the toilet ALONE! xx

april said...

it is fine to take time off and time out and not wrong at all...something i found though - the hard way, as it doesn't go away - you will have your weekend away and a rest (which is badly needed by the sounds of it and SO deserved) but yes, as with FMS there is no letting it go, it isn't possible , they are just there all the time, which, i suppose is why some mother in laws are the way they are with their sons...bonds of that many years are hard to loosen let lone untie...
ramble - anyway - enjoy and sleep and eat what you want and yes, ah, to go to the toilet alone or to have a quiet sleep in (or just sleep).

Thea Smith said...

Nothing will happen to you or your kids.
What a wonderful idea!!
You need it, you deserve it.
Have a wonderful time, I'm so jealous! xx

MegsyJ said...

Something else for your list: finishing sentences. Having whole conversations! Wow!

Sounds fantastic, I love girls' trips away. And you'll have a great time shopping and eating in Melbourne - best shops and food in the country (not that I'm biased or anything...).

Sarah P said...

Can I come too? please :) You'll have a ball. You are a great mum and R&R will make you a better one. xxx

Michelle said...

Just relax and enjoy! Stop worrying!!
Ahhh I'm dreaming about going away now! lol

Ami said...

I'm sooo glad this post included that you'd actually booked to go away!! You definitely deserve a break. Hope you guys have a fantastic time!! xxx

LizK_is said...

Make sure you enjoy your weekend with your friend :)

Make do mum said...

8 YEARS?!! You deserve every second of your weekend away plus some kind of medal! Relax and enjoy yourself :)

JANE said...

I just found this post, Jodie. I echo your thoughts. Having done the three-under-four-routine-in-Sydney-without-any family, I hear you! Hugs (from Hobart) J x