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Jodie
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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Pregnancy Dreams

I am sitting in my car, my 4yr old and 2yr old in the back seat. My car is surrounded by yellow, desert sands as far as the eye can see. 


To my right sits a rusted silo, standing tall and cumbersome with nothing else to compete with in its surroundings. 


A tumbleweed rolls past the front of my car, and I realise at this moment I have forgotten something.


I step out of the car. I leave my car door open, anticipating my quick return. It is hot, but a gentle, cool wind greets me, and my hair blows out wide, giving me instant relief from the heat. 


The back windows are wound down. My two sons sit in their seats, t-shirts abandoned, their heads leaning out the windows to capture the cool breeze. 


I bend down to their eye level. "I'll be back," I say to them. "Just wait where you are." They smile and wave - happy and contented. 


I walk away from the car. I am searching for something, but I can't remember what it is. I look around. All I can see are the tyre tracks from my car - tracing our journey to this place. I stop, trying to recall what it is I have lost. It does not come to me. 


Eventually, I turn and walk back towards the car - more confused than frustrated at my lack of ability to find what it is I have lost - my decision made now to keep driving. 


I find the rusty silo and look towards the space in which I had left my car. 


It isn't there. 


I look around frantically. It was here. It was. Right. Here. Next to the silo. Where on earth could it be?! 


I start turning around, my eyes desperately searching for the car and my boys. I scream their names over and over. There is no answer. I look toward the silo. It stands over me, seemingly taller now and intimidating. 


"I left the car HERE!" I yell to the silo, crying hysterically now. "HERE! WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE MY BOYS?!" 


There is no response.


*     *     *     *     *

I had experienced a few vivid dreams while pregnant with my first two sons. When pregnant with the 7yr old, I had a dream one night in which my baby boy arrived - sporting bright, orange hair and shining blue eyes. Imagine my surprise when the 7yr old arrived looking just like the baby in my dream.

But I had never had dreams like the ones I experienced during my pregnancy with the 4yr old. Dreams that invoked fear and anxiety within me. I would wake in tears, feeling anxious, asking myself, 'Is something terrible going to happen? Is there something wrong with my baby?'

In another dream following the one above, I was at the beach with my two boys. As we sat on our colourful, striped beach towels, the tide came in, washing the towels towards the ocean. I grabbed at them, calling for the boys to follow me further up the beach. After reaching where I thought we should sit, I turned around and the boys were gone. Just like the desert dream, I searched the beach frantically for them. Eventually, I spied a bright blue swim shirt, its owner under the surface of the water...not moving. The same shirt the 7yr old had been wearing just minutes before.

And then I woke up.

I relayed my dreams to my Obstetrician at my next visit. He smiled gently at me and asked, "Do you think you're worried about how you'll balance having three children to care for?"

I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat, realising for the first time that that was exactly what I was feeling and thinking.

My Obstetrician - a father of five himself - explained he'd had similar dreams when his wife was pregnant. His concern was not being able to give his children the time they deserved. His own father had always put work first, and my Ob didn't want to make that same mistake.

He assured me my dreams were probably my concerns about balancing a larger family, and that I shouldn't worry. It would all be ok.

It was.

I mean, yes. I struggled that first year after the birth of my third son. It was difficult for me trying to coordinate a new baby, a preschooler and a son in his first year at school. Then there was homework, cleaning, cooking sometimes three dinners at night (what a fool I was). My feet would hit the ground running each morning, and I didn't stop until my head hit the pillow at night. There were days I would cry with exhaustion. Completely overwhelmed with it all.

However, even during those difficult periods after the 4yr old was born, I recall a lot of stories being read to all three boys, and building Lego on the floor. And I didn't leave anyone in a car, or lose my children at the beach.

And once my baby was born, apart from getting up to feed my new son, I slept well. There were no more dreams that left me feeling anxious and fearful.

It all turned out ok.

If you've been pregnant before, did you experience any particularly vivid dreams? If you have more than one child, did you worry about how you would balance more children?

10 comments:

Photographer Mum said...

I had a really vivid and terrifying dream while I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I was standing at a set of lights just up the road from our house and we got the little green man saying it was safe to cross to the other side. I had my 1st two kids with me and started to cross when all these cars (hundreds of them) shot past at frightening speed, completely ignoring the red light they had. I woke at that point in a sweat, feeling extremely anxious.

Naomi said...

I dreamt of a fair haired, blued eyed boy when pregnant with my son... my fair haired blue eyed boy!
I can't remember any dreams like this while pregnant, but after the birth of both my children I had nightmares of them being lost. Hubby would have to wake me and calm me down. They were terrifying.

Jodie Ansted said...

Photographer Mum - Wow. I got goose bumps reading about your dream.

Nomie - I've had those dreams too about my children missing on occasion. When pregnant with the 4yo though, they were just so more intense! x

Miss Pink said...

I have vivid dreams full stop. It an be really annoying sometimes. Other times i will those dreams on me just to escape reality for a night.
I did however have some more than usual weird dreams during my second pregnancy. One of them Sarah Palin delivered my baby in a field of pumpkins and i called him pumpkin. It stuck with me for a few days. Not because it was scary, but well, i wouldn't call it a good dream either. Just weird.

I did not for a second in wanting another baby or trying for one worry at all about the juggle. Until i fell pregnant and then i panicked for most of the pregnancy that i wouldn't be able to commit myself to two children. I think we all go through that panic. Surely? But it is us doubting ourselves, i know most days i don't know how i pull it all together, but it just happens, sometimes without realising, other times with a lot of hard tiring work.

Kirsty said...

I'm pregnant at the moment (for the 3rd time) and am again having those crazy dreams. Funnily enough a few weeks ago I had a Tsunami style one like yours. We kept moving but no matter where we went the water came higher. It's one of many weird side effects of Pregnancy.

River said...

When I was pregnant with my third child my mum wrote to me and said I was being foolish having more children since I already had a daughter and a son. A week later I had a bad dream where my mum arrived and took my first two babies away in a taxi saying I obviously didn't want them anymore since I was starting over with another baby. In the dream my babies were standing up to the back window in the taxi crying for me while mum told the driver to keep going.

Gemma @ My Big Nutshell said...

This part of yours is my life at the moment:

'I mean, yes. I struggled that first year after the birth of my third son. It was difficult for me trying to coordinate a new baby, a preschooler and a son in his first year at school. Then there was homework, cleaning, cooking sometimes three dinners at night (what a fool I was). My feet would hit the ground running each morning, and I didn't stop until my head hit the pillow at night. There were days I would cry with exhaustion. Completely overwhelmed with it all.'

sometimes I wonder if I will get through it, I know I will but I just want it to be over, soon. Then there are all the fun times too. that fine line....

When I read that 'it all turned out ok' it gives me hope.

xxx

PS, those dreams where you wake up in hysterics and crying does take time to get over doesn't it? Mine are awfully vivid and its either people trying to get me with a knife or my teeth are falling out and I can't stop choking. fun stuff.

Hi I'm Rhonda. said...

I had very vivid and crazy dreams with my son...where i'd remember to get teh dog but not the baby. Or I'd get somewhere and I wouldn't remember where I'd left the baby.

Megan Blandford said...

I'm a bit weird here - I didn't have these sorts of dreams when I was pregnant, but I have them when other people are pregnant! I had all sorts of weird dreams when my sister was having her first child - they were funny, though, rather than scary.

Jodie Ansted said...

Gemma - it does get easier. My life is SO completely different from that first year after the 4yo was born. I understand completely how you're feeling. I promise you'll one day look back on these days and breath a sigh of relief! xx